|From Matt and I's honeymoon two years ago... I wanted a computer-related photo, okay?|
If you're still reading this after months of me being a "bad" blogger, I've got some 'splaining to do. This month marks my two year anniversary of blogging. For the past few months, I've distanced myself from my blog a bit, which allowed me to really reflect on blogging and its role in my life.
When I first started blogging, things were great. I found community. I made friends. I had a creative outlet to express myself in. It was so positive, all the time. For the first year or so, I posted pretty consistently. Nowadays, I'm lucky if I can get in a few posts a month. So what happened? Ch-ch-changes.
- I got busy. When I just started out blogging, it was my project to fill my time as I was unemployed and eagerly waiting to move to Japan. Now, with being a full-time student with a job and two internships, I barely have any free time.
- I felt guilty. I feel like a lot of bloggers (including myself) have these delusions that if you don't blog, the world will be let down. I resented this feeling and because I can sometimes be conflict-avoiding person, I avoided my blog as much as possible.
- I started comparing myself to others. I have always known that this was the kiss of death for bloggers, and yet it still happened. I looked at seemingly perfect women with their seemingly perfect lives and envied them. I became jealous of them and maybe even bitter at times. I hated that I felt this way. Blogging is supposed to be a place of positivity and inspiration, why did I let my insecurity take over like that?
- I felt pressure to buy new things all the time. Being a style blogger, obviously there's a lot of pressure to look good, and with that may involve shopping for new things and keeping your style fresh. I am not in a place in my life where I can do that. I didn't want to always want material things.
- I began to dislike my style. I moved to LA and started working at Madewell, and my preferences for style changed. I disliked my cutesy girly style and wanted to grow up a bit.
- I felt limited by my 'style blog' niche. If I didn't like my style, I definitely wouldn't want to blog about it.
- I got discouraged by numbers. I cared about stats too much. I thought I didn't, but I did. Page views went down, the number of comments went down, and so what that said to me (on the deep subconscious level) was - nobody really cares about my blog anymore, so I don't need to put that much effort into it.
- I began to blog for other people. If I wasn't really interested in style blogging anymore, who was I blogging for?
- I started to feel like blogging was a chore.
- I got stuck in a rut.
There's that. I realize that the list above makes me seem like I have a lot of issues. I don't. I'm one of the most normal people I know. These are just thoughts and feelings that I've had in the past few months.
So, what happened in the past few months as I've reflected on these things?
- I found myself less and less focused on materialistic things. OH, what a relief. Guys, for real. I'm in a pit of student loans right now. I buy food and pay painful Los Angeles rent and every once in a while I indulge in a sale item at Madewell. I need to not spend money right now. By not posting style posts as much, I don't feel that constant need to keep things fresh and different, which may involve a new item of clothing.
- I became more interested in lifestyle blogs. Because I didn't want to buy new things or feel that urge to want things, I stopped looking at style blogs as often as I once did.
- I got my fashion fix at school and work. Don't get me wrong guys. I still love clothes, style, and fashion. I mean, I go to fashion school. But now, I am constantly inspired by my fellow FIDM students, as well as my awesomely-dressed Madewell co-workers.
- I missed blogging, but not style blogging. I loved having an online journal of sorts. I loved the community. I loved being a part of something. I loved being able to express myself.
So, what's next? Here's the thing: I'm going to be changing up my content. You may not see as many style posts. You may see more "what I did" posts or "what I'm thinking about" posts or "what inspires me" posts. The point is, I want to keep blogging, but I want to be true to myself. I want to have this outlet to express myself, but I don't want to be limited by a "niche".
I guess I didn't need to write all this out in order to do that. I rarely ever spill out my feelings like this on the blog, and to be honest, I feel a bit vulnerable and silly and maybe a bit petty. I mean, #bloggerwoes, right? But I want to be honest and open from now on.
I'd love for you to keep reading. Whether you've started reading two years ago or two months ago, thanks for being a part of my life. I appreciate it, really.